i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize