what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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