Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
