my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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