fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
