Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize