the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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