like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
