my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We are two peas in an std pod
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
