apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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