Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
