I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
