***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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