Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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