WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize