so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
