i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
