i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
