I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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