I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
