The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
