Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
