did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
