You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
