I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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