and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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