The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
