I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
