Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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