I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize