I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
