allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Randomize
