Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Damn victory sex feels great
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize