Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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