Don't make out with my wife yet
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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