she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
