Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
