im holly from the hills drunk
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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