my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
