If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
