conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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