I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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