best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
