would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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