i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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