Are we in a gay sports bar?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
