I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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