Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
