sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize