I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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