And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
