I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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