I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
