Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
