He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize