life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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