I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
