it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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