I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
