i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
