4 words: hood of his car
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
