She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
