sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
