you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
