How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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