Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
