shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
